Strength in Stillness

As the weather shifts and seasons change, its been a subtle reminder of our reality. Time continues on and yet here we are in this perpetual unknown.

Phillip had chemo on Wednesday, and unfortunately, I was traveling for work and was unable to attend this week's appointments. My anxiety has been overwhelming lately. I think it is my project management mindset, but the lack of foresight and this state of "staying the course" has been a true test to my patience. What is next, if anything? What could we be doing to prepare for further appointments, surgeries, or trials? I just need to know. Thankfully, at chemo this week, Phillip was able to schedule his next scan for early October. This is an exciting next step!

His labs from the last chemo didn’t explain why his hemoglobin dropped, and for better or worse, no further action has been taken. I try to remind myself daily of the internal battle Phillip is fighting. I have to believe when the chemo is infused, war breaks out and it is similar to a scene from Game of Thrones.

Phillip has also been battling extreme fatigue lately and the compounded effects of chemo have been taking it's toll. Oxaliplatin is notorious for causing neuropathy and despite the "icing" during chemo, Phillip now has cold sensitivity. To combat this, he wears his "house gloves" and our house is now a balmy 72 degrees. The dogs look at me panting and I am sweating... but that is because of my anxiety medication - not perimenopause (obviously).

I continue to be in awe of Phillip's strength and positive mindset. I still cannot believe we are living this nightmare, but if there was anyone to do it with, I am so grateful I am doing it with him. His positive light and strength keep me anchored. I just love him so much.

Our sweet Lenie started second grade this past week. In a blink of an eye she turned into a tween and picks out her clothes, applies mascara and lip gloss and heads out the door. She still seems resilient, compassionate, and mildly unaware. Lenie notices when it is a good day and exclaims, "Mama, Daddy was feeling so good he picked me up!"

When I find myself sad, Phillip will call it out and say, "Kell, you're missing the good stuff!' His reminder is all I need to know we are living in the NOW.

Lately, sleep has been difficult for me, I find myself just needing to listen to Phillip breathe to stay calm. Because he has been gaining some weight, his freestyle breathing is making a debut again. I never thought I would say this, but I love the sound of him snoring! It means a deep, solid sleep.

Even in uncertainty, there’s a quiet strength in simply being here together, moving through it one day at a time.

Onward!